March 22, 2017
12:30 am
Beijing, China
I just want to start out by saying that I’m pretty sure I have the best mom in the entire world. While I know that raising six daughters can’t have been easy, she did a pretty amazing job. All of my sisters are beautiful, strong, wonderful girls/women who all know their worth as Abba’s princesses. Recently, I’ve been struggling with this a bit, but nothing makes that better than talking things through with my mom.
I know I promised to always be truthful with you guys and to never sugarcoat things, so I have something I really feel that I need to share with you. The details of the particular incident are going to be kept a bit close to the chest, but I feel the overall point is something you should hear. I shared a bit of my testimony with you guys back in January, so you all know the I struggle a bit with anxiety. There are a couple of things you should know about people who have anxiety. One, people who have anxiety are rarely “cured.” Although they can get better at dealing with their anxiety levels and knowing how to overcome it, they’ll still have some anxiety. Two, some of the biggest symptoms of anxiety are self-doubt and “crazy” thoughts. These “crazy” thoughts are often unprompted or over-exaggerated worries. These are what I’ve been struggling with lately.
It’s hard to know how the things you say to a person affect them. To you, it may be something simple, but to them it may change everything. This is especially true for words stated in anger. In the heat of a moment, you may comment on something that is seemingly small in your mind, but may have a huge impact on the other person’s world. Unfortunately, it is often difficult to make amends for these sorts of exchanges, especially when you don’t realize the true affect they have had. These situations tend to be even more prominent in the life of someone who has anxiety. One of the thoughts that usually goes through an anxiety-filled mind is, “Am I annoying?” Most people have a few certain worries that specifically lead to this thought and the moment that worry is discussed, they can find themselves spiraling out of control.
One of my triggers is “talking.” For those of you who know me, I’m a talker. I love to share stories and talk about experiences. In turn, I also love to hear the stories of others. It makes me feel like I have a deeper connection to people. That said, I know I can talk a lot. One of the things that I used to do was pre-apologize for my constant talking. Upon meeting someone, I would usually say something along the lines of, “Hi, I’m Kristen. I know I can talk a lot, so if I ever get annoying, just tell me to shut up and I’ll understand.” This pre-apologizing is, you guessed it, a symptom of anxiety. It’s something that a person does when they have low self-confidence and it is a type of self-deprecating thought. As a result, when I learned to deal with my anxiety, I stopped introducing myself this way, because I learned that I don’t have to apologize for who I am. Unfortunately, it is still something I’m self-conscious about. Recently, I got into a small argument with one of my co-workers. One of the things he said in anger was that I talk too much. I wish I could say that that small comment didn’t affect me, but it did. It threw me back into struggles that I thought I had fully dealt with long ago and made me question the way I acted in all of my relationships, especially the ones I’ve made since moving here. Dealing with it this time took a lot of support, tears and sleep to get through it. But now it’s over and done. It’s time to move on.
Why, you may ask, am I telling you this? It’s not really a fun topic to discuss after having been away for so long. I’m sharing this as (1) a way to get it off my chest and (2) a reminder. You never know how your words will affect someone, especially if they’re said in anger. Remember that old nursery rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? I believe that is one of the worst lies we can teach children. As much as we’d love to say that the things people say don’t affect us, we all know that’s not true. People’s words can stick with you a lot longer than their actions. I don’t ever remember getting physically bullied as a child, but I can still remember the exact words of those 5th grade taunts. The sting of a tongue lashing always sticks longer than the pain of a spanking. So this is a reminder to both myself and those of you reading this. Be mindful of your words. You never know what someone else struggles with and you can’t possibly imagine how what you say many affect them. Don’t act out in anger. Take a moment to gather yourself and approach the situation calmly. Consider your words and be mindful of how you address a problem.
Finally, if you do struggle with the words someone has said to you, remember where your worth lies. It lies not in other people or even in yourself. Your worth lies in Abba. You are His child. He has made you the way He planned and He is proud of you. Remember to call on Him when you are struggling, for He will always be there. Find your worth in glorifying Him, even when it seems hard. Love Him with all that you have, because He has already proven that He loves you with all that He is.
Words to Remember: Leviticus 16:20-22
Challenge: Day 9: Take a moment to release your sins, just like Aaron did in the passage. Feel your sins wash away and, as they do, tell Abba about them. Ask Him to remind you about when you need to do this again and make it a habitual practice.
Talk soon,
Kristen
